沙门菌不好：Salmonella Isn't Good
by Pidgeapodge
Summary: On a trip to China, the body eats some undercooked beef from a shady street vendor in Beijing and comes down with salmonella. Between evil antigens and incompetent antibiotics, what's the immune system to do?
1. 肠沙门菌进来 Salmonella Enterica Enters

"Yo! Look out!"

The epithelial cell grunted as a swarm of bacteria swam past. They were busy collecting nutrients, and the constant barrage didn't make their jobs any easier.

_**Intestinal Epithelial Cells**_

_Cells lining the surface of the intestines responsible for collecting nutrients into the body and for keeping harmful substances, such as antigens, out._

The past few days had been quite taxing indeed. Recently, a constant stream of unfamiliar food made its way down to the intestines. Sure, the basic makeup was the same: carbohydrates, proteins, lipids, et cetera and so forth. It was the way they were combined that was throwing the epithelial cells off. The food seemed much… greasier than normal in the past few days. And saltier. And the water…

For some reason the water was much dirtier than usual one day. It was extremely strange, but one time water came flowing through that was filled with bacteria, viruses, and even some pieces of metal floating in it. This only happened once, and the water since had been pristine, but that one time was odd.

_**Unsafe Tap Water**_

_In many parts of the world, tap water is unsafe to drink. It may contain harmful antigens, or even heavy metals. This can be due to poor infrastructure, poor filtration and water treatment, damage to the water lines, et cetera. People are often advised to only drink bottled, filtered, or boiled water in such areas. Places where the tap water is unsafe to drink include China, Mexico, and Flint, Michigan, United States, among others._

And recently, the quality of the oxygen they were getting seemed a bit off.

"_Yeahahahahahah!"_

"Agh!" The Epithelial Cell dodged as a swarm of small, pinkish bacteria swam past him and rounded a bend in the intestine. "Damn germs…"

"Hey, let's just focus on getting these nutrients," his colleague called over. "All this oil is making the food quite slippery. They're headed towards a Peyer's Patch anyway."

"Yeah, yeah."

The pair reeled in their nets, picked out a few bacteria that had wiggled their way in, and placed the catch into the receptacle in order to be processed.

The Epithelial Cell sighed as his goggles started to fog up.

_I frickin hate this job,_ he thought.

…

M Cell hummed cheerily to himself as he rearranged the tables.

_Perfect,_ he thought.

_**M Cell**_

_M Cells are a special type of epithelial cell in the intestine, which lure in antigens before turning them over to the immune system. M Cells are found in "Peyer's Patches" throughout the intestine. Peyer's Patches seem like easy entrance points into the body to antigens, with thin membranes, but they are in actuality a deadly trap._

Straightening his tie, M Cell cast another cursory glance over his Peyer's Patch. A fine establishment, if he may say so himself. The tables were perfectly set, the napkins folded with the crispest of creases, the bar fully stocked with the finest of liquors.

And behind every cupboard, underneath every floorboard, immune cells were waiting.

_No antigens will be getting through me,_ M Cell thought with a chuckle.

He looked down at his own outfit, making sure that all was crisp and clean and straight. He had to play his part, after all. He dressed as a waiter for a fine establishment, while harboring a merciless enforcer of the good of the body underneath his relaxed and personable exterior. Antigens came in expecting a feast.

It was they who would be feasted on.

_**Phagocytosis**_

_The process by which immune cells, such as neutrophils and macrophages, engulf and digest antigens and infected cells. The word can be broken down into its components _phago _(to eat) + _cyte _(cell) + _osis _(the process of)._

As if on cue, M Cell heard the relentless banging of flagella on the entrance to the Peyer's Patch.

"_Xiǎo xìbāo guāiguāi, bǎ ménr kāikāi, wǒmen xiǎng jìnlái__! Hahaha!"_

M Cell frowned. he had never heard bacteria speak like this before. What was this strange language?

Whatever. It didn't matter. What _did_ matter was finishing these bacteria off for the good of the body.

"Welcome, welcome, please come in!" said M Cell as he allowed the bacteria in.

"_Bìzuǐ!"_ snapped a bacterium.

Well, this was interesting…

The bacteria were all quite small. Each had several long, tentacle-like flagella, and were covered in fine, pink, fur-like cilia. They were shaped like little pill capsules, and they had a single, bloodshot eye and a small mouth full of sharp teeth on the front of their bodies.

_**Salmonella Enterica**_

_A strain of bacteria causing the disease salmonella. Commonly found in meat from cattle and poultry, as well as raw eggs. Salmonella can arise if such foods are not cooked properly, as heat kills the bacteria by denaturing their proteins._

They giggled and babbled among each other in the strange language unfamiliar to M Cell. It sounded like it had lots of "R" sounds, somewhat. It also felt almost musical, each word having a different tone, and the tones running together in full sentences with a quality that one might describe as songlike.

As expected, the bacteria started trashing the place. They flipped tables, broke bottles, and tore menus. M Cell was very experienced with bacteria. He was prepared to clean up his Peyer's Patch, once the immune cells finished cleaning up the bacteria.

"I hope you enjoy your visit. It will be the last thing you do," said M Cell as he pushed a button on a desk.

Immediately, neutrophils and macrophages jumped out of their hiding spots. Coming up through trap doors, materializing in cupboards, emerging from underneath tables, the converged on the bacteria. One neutrophil even jumped out from the grand piano in the corner.

However, these bacteria were quite slippery. They dodged, feinted, and wiggled their way away from the immune cells. M Cell grew concerned.

He broke out into a nervous sweat when a good deal of bacteria managed to break through the walls and escape into the bloodstream.

"No!" he cried.

The bacteria swam away, giggling uncontrollably.

The neutrophil who had been hiding in the piano immediately gave chase.

"This is U-4989!" he barked into his radio. "Some bacteria just escaped from a Peyer's Patch! I'm gonna need help down here, there's a lot!"

He ran out of the Patch and followed the bacteria. Several other immune cells followed after him.

"No, no, no!" lamented M Cell. "This isn't happening!"

"Don't worry, M Cell," said a macrophage with short, dark brown hair. "You did your job by luring the bacteria in. We'll do our job by killing the rest!" She smiled sweetly.

M Cell looked at the floor. On the ground were the bodies of a few bacteria. The macrophages were busy putting the dead antigens into a large pot.

"We'll take these to Dendritic-sama, hopefully he'll be able to help," said the brown-haired Macrophage. "You just stay here, clean up, and continue working hard! You did your duty, now we shall do ours."

M Cell bowed to the macrophages. "Thank you all very much. Please, hunt them down quickly!"

"Don't you worry about that one bit. It's what we do!"

M Cell picked up a broom as the macrophages all left, carrying the large pot. Bacteria flagella hung over the rim of the pot, trailing outside.

Strange…

Did he just see one of the flagella twitch as the macrophages left?

No, it must have been a trick of the light. When macrophages are called into duty, they execute it to the fullest extent.

Literally.

* * *

_**Author's Note: **__As a _Cell's at Work! _fan who is also studying Mandarin, I thought it would be fun to set a story in China! I have visited Beijing twice already, and it honestly felt like my second home, but let's be honest… come things about Beijing life do quite a number on our cells (air pollution, unsafe tap water, questionable street food…)_

_Translations for the Mandarin:_

"_Xiǎo xìbāo guāiguāi, bǎ ménr kāikāi, wǒmen xiǎng jìnlái__!" _\- "Open up, good little cell, we want to come in!" (this is a reference to a children's song called "Little Rabbit." I've replaced "rabbit" with the Mandarin word for "cell," _xìbāo_.

"_Bìzuǐ!"_ \- "Shut up!"


	2. 抗生素 Antibiotics

White Blood Cell sipped his tea as he sat next to Red Blood Cell.

It always felt nice whenever they got to spend time together. Whenever there was an opportunity to take a break and have a chat, or visit an organ, or even just sit in comfortable silence, he enjoyed spending time with his favorite erythrocyte.

A few days before, Red Blood Cell was on high alert. The blood pressure rose, and the heart was beating quite fast. Stress hormones flooded the place. After a while it relaxed a bit, but the heart rate and blood pressure didn't really go down to normal until the stress hormones stopped being released, which finally happened after about four hours of fast-paced circulation. He wondered what all that was about.

_**Stress**_

_The body will release stress hormones, such as adrenaline, when confronted with adverse circumstances. In theory, this allows the body to react in emergencies, but in non-emergencies, it can be quite a hindrance. The heart rate rises, and blood vessels constrict. One can be stressed from a number of stimuli, from excessive homework, to loud noises, to riding on an airplane._

White Blood Cell breathed in deeply. It was very peaceful at the moment, just sitting on the bench with Red Blood Cell, watching various erythrocytes walk past them down the path. Red Blood Cell was dozing at this point. She kept closing her eyes, leaning towards him, before waking up with a start and doing it all over again. It was quite adorable, honestly.

The peace was broken when White Blood Cell heard a loud _bing!_ as his sensor detected an antigen in the area.

Red Blood Cell started, but she didn't fully wake up.

White Blood Cell closed his eyes and rubbed the bridge of his nose. "I'm sorry, I have to go. I'll see yo-"

Thump.

He opened his eyes has he felt a soft weight on his arm. Red Blood Cell had completely fallen asleep, and she fell asleep against him.

I don't have time for how cute this is.

Feeling very, very guilty about possibly disturbing her, White Blood Cell stood up as slowly as he could. He gently laid Red Blood Cell down on the bench, making sure she was secure, before running off down the blood vessel to find the antigen.

…

_"Nǐmen dōu zhuā bù zhù wǒmen! Hahahahaha!"_

"Get them!"

U-4989 heaved as he chased after the bacteria. The fuzzy pink bastards were quick!

"Antigen sighted!" yelled a familiar voice.

"1146!" cried 4989 as his friend came out of a connecting vein and leapt into action, knives unsheathed.

U-1146 almost managed to hit a bacterium, but it dodged at the last second.

"Damn it," he grumbled, "those things are quick!"

"Well, don't just stand there!" 4989 shouted as he ran past his friend.

They chased the bacteria together up the blood vessel with the other immune cells, but soon, the bacteria split up into more and more groups. Even when reinforcements were called, the bacteria seemed to evade every strike. They went down the many different blood vessel pathways winding through the intestines, fleeing from the exhausted immune cells.

U-1146 bent over, gasping for breath. Bracing himself on his knees, he tried to steady himself.

"Dammit… hah, hah, those dumb pink balls of sick are fast… hah, hah…" U-4989 was panting even harder than U-1146, sides heaving in and out.

1146 brought his radio to his mouth and started calling for backup. "Be on high alert, there's a lot of them, and they're really hard to catch."

4989 sat on the ground. "Man, I could really go for a nap."

1146 straightened up immediately. "Oh! Damn! I almost forgot!"

"Forgot what?"

"I left Red Blood Cell sleeping on a bench! I should go make sure she's not in danger!"

He turned back to go get her when several erythrocytes came his way, hoisting a gigantic red… ball… thing.

"What the heck is that?" asked 4989.

…

Red Blood Cell's eyes fluttered awake as she realized she was on the bench alone.

"Wha- what?! Oh!"

She quickly sat up, her head still groggy. How long was she out? Where was White Blood Cell-san?

She rose to her feet, slightly off-balance. She rubbed her face and blinked the sleep out of her eyes.

"Ohhhhh…" she groaned.

Looking around, she saw no sign of White Blood Cell anywhere.

_I guess he had to go fight germs,_ she thought sadly.

Red Blood Cell was very grateful that he was so dutiful in his never-ending job to protect the body. Still, she often wished she could spend a little more time with him without interruption. He was her boyfriend, after all.

Oh, well.

_At least he let me sleep,_ she thought, smirking. _He's so thoughtful like that._

She looked around and saw all the erythrocytes going pest her bench were all moving in the same direction. Her eyes flicked to the wall, where an arrow pointed the direction of blood flow. She was getting much, much better at navigating. She had two whole pages in her notebook filled with tally marks of successful circulations, and she was almost a quarter way finished the third.

She stood up, stretched, and began to walk down the path. She may have been tired, but she still had work to do.

_Off to the lungs, I guess._

…

The giant red ball baffled everyone.

"What is it?" 4989 asked no one in particular.

The cells all stood around the ball that the erythrocytes put down in the middle of the path. Most of them continued on, but one, an erythrocyte with auburn hair in a long plait, stayed behind. Other erythrocytes entering in the blood vessel swerved around the weird object.

"No clue," said the auburn-haired erythrocyte. "I can't even read it."

On the side of the capsule were some writing, next to a small red rectangle with a large yellow star in the upper left corner and four smaller stars in a vertical arch around that. The writing was in two lines: the top line said "抗生素," while the bottom line said "中国产."

The characters looked similar to Kanji, but some of them were unfamiliar to the cells.

U-1146 was studying it carefully. "The top row looks like it says… _'kosei…'_ something… maybe antibiotic? Strange… I've never seen it written like that."

"What does the second line mean?" asked the auburn-haired erythrocyte, crossing her arms and squinting at the strange writing.

U-1146 squinted closer at it.

"Hmm… I'm not sure of the pronunciation… Maybe _'chu… Chuugoku?'_ 'Middle Kingdom?' I'm not sure what that means. And I've never seen this Kanji before in my life," he said, pointing at the character "产."

U-4989 stood near the auburn-haired erythrocyte, also squinting at the strange writing. "It looks like someone started writing a Kanji, but then got lazy and stopped… maybe it rubbed off on its way down?"

The erythrocyte looked at him. "Then why are all the other characters perfectly fine?"

4989 shrugged. He opened his mouth to respond, but then he caught sight of a familiar (and sleepy-looking) rebellious red curl emerging from the entrance, surrounded by other erythrocytes.

"AE-3803! Hi!"

U-1146 turned to face the entrance. Sure enough, there she was, looking quite grumpy having been woken up from her nap.

He felt his mitochondria twist. She was so cute when she looked grumpy and pouty.

Fortunately, he thought she was also very cute when she looked happy too, since she smiled and waved tiredly when she saw her friends.

"Hi everyone! White Blood Cell-san, 4989…" she trailed off mid-greeting and stopped walking as she began to doze standing up.

"Hey now, don't forget AC!" 4989 said.

Red Blood Cell started as she woke up again. "Ah! Yes! Sorry, I'm just… so… tired…"

"Did she… fall asleep again?" asked 4989.

The sleepy erythrocyte began to tip over. U-1146 ran up to her side and caught her, holding her gently so that she wouldn't wake up.

AC-4293 chuckled sympathetically and placed her fingers over her mouth as she looked at her fellow erythrocyte. "I completely understand what she's going through. My feet are still killing me from a few days ago. I hope I get a delivery to the nasal cavities soon, I could really go for a footbath."

A mechanical whir filled the air.

AE-3808 woke up with a start. "Wah! What? It wasn't me!"

Everyone looked towards the red ball. A line formed and grew in the middle as the sphere split in half and flipped open. Inside, strange flying things flew out.

They were black, square-shaped devices, with propellers attached to each corner. In the very center, a ball-shaped bulge hung down, four nozzles sticking out of it. On what appeared to be the front end were printed two images: the small red rectangle with the five stars, and a red star with the Kanji for the numbers eight and one arranged vertically in yellow inside of it. On the sides, there was another strange logo. It looked like a strange, crescent-like object, with a small circle at the bottom, crossed over what appeared to be a hammer. The meaning of all the symbols were lost on the cells, but symbolism was the least of their worries.

"WHAT ARE THOSE?!" screamed AE-3803

_"Tóngzhìmen hǎo. Wǒmen xiànzài qù zhǎo jūn, zhǎodào jiù shā jūn,"_ the flying things announced in monotone unity. They dispersed, spraying some kind of chemical in a fine mist from the rotating nozzles on their underbellies.

"They look like some kind of antibiotic, but I've never heard that language before!" exclaimed U-1146.

_**Antibiotics**_

_Antibiotics are substances that target and kill bacteria. They work on bacteria by targeting certain enzymes that the bacteria produce, disrupting the bacterial cell wall, or preventing bacteria from reproducing; as such, they are ineffective against viral, fungal, or parasitic infections, since they are not bacteria._

The mechanical drones repeated their greeting as they spread out and went down various blood vessels, coating everything underneath them with mist. AC and AE both began coughing.

1146 inhaled deeply. "Yep. Definitely smells like antibiotic."

"They need a new smell," croaked AE-3803 as she tried to stop coughing.

_Bing! Bing!_

Both U-1146 and U-1148's receptors activated. The two neutrophils glanced at each other.

"Antigens," the said in unison.

"Stay- cough, cough- stay safe!" called out AE-3803

"Be careful! Cough!" cried AC.

The neutrophil pair bounded down the blood vessels in pursuit of their enemy.

* * *

_**A/N:**_

_The drones coming from the ball is a reference to the steroid in the anime, which came out of a ball as well. In reality, there is no way an actual pill would fit into most blood vessels._

_Of the three symbols on the drones, I think the star with the Kanji may be the most obscure. That is actually the symbol of the People's Liberation Army, China's military. The Hanzi and Kanji are the same for the numbers eight (八) and one (一). These numbers are the date that the army was founded, August 1, 1927. Since the antibiotics are like robotic military drones, I thought it would be appropriate to put the military's logo on them._

_Chinese Translations:_

_"Nǐmen dōu zhuā bù zhù wǒmen!"_ \- You can't catch us!

抗生素 - antibiotic(s)

中国产 - Made in China. "中国" is the same characters in both Hanzi (Chinese Characters) and Kanji (Japanese Characters), literally meaning "Middle Kingdom," and actually meaning "China." "产" means "to make" or "to produce."

_Tóngzhìmen hǎo_ \- Hello, comrades

_Wǒmen xiànzài qù zhǎo jūn, zhǎodào jiù shā jūn._ \- We will now search for the bacteria, and kill them when we find them.


	3. 毒力因子 Virulence Factor

The Macrophages were having quite a tough time upon reaching the pharynx.

It appeared that the bacteria they had killed did not want to stay dead.

"Keep them contained!" cried a Macrophage with long, braided, sandy-colored hair.

It was all they could do to keep the bacteria contained in the pots. Had they multiplied? If so, this was quite concerning.

The Macrophage with short brown hair was putting all her weight on the lid of her pot. This would just not do. She _would_ keep the bacteria nice and contained. She had already put in the spices and broth, and she was looking forward to the germ soup when it was done.

Most of the immune cells didn't care much for germ soup, but the macrophages _loved _it. They could eat it all day, and in fact _did_ eat large quantities of it all day. Some of their favorite hobbies were making new recipes and trading them among their sisters-in-arms. And yet, despite the amount of germ soup they ate, each macrophage never lost her elegant figure. Many wondered how they did it.

Of course, exercise accounted for burning off some of that soup, but the macrophages weren't bulky or muscular like the Killer T Cells or NK Cells. _How did they all stay so slim?_ other cells sometimes asked them.

_A girl has to have her secrets!_ was the standard macrophage reply.

The brown-haired macrophage gritted her teeth as she tried to keep the lid on the pot, bracing it against her stomach.

"_Rrrrr!"_ she groaned.

_BAM! Ssssshhhhhhnnnkk!_

A loud noise preceded a sick, slippery one as the brown-haired macrophage felt the long, pink flagellum rip through her abdomen. Her cytosol began pouring out, her strength with it.

"Oh, no…"

She fell over, the lid of the pot bursting open. She had put maybe four bacteria into the pot, and no less than eight were emerging now. One of her sisters-in-arms screamed.

The brown-haired macrophage felt cold. Her vision dimmed. She looked down at the gaping wound in her stomach.

"Oh no… my dress is all ruined…" she said weakly.

"Don't worry, our dresses always get cytoplasm on them! They're washable!" said another macrophage, not knowing how to comfort her dying friend.

"Oh yeah… haha… I'm sorry."

The sandy-haired macrophage looked over at her. "You have nothing to apologize for."

"It seems… my recipe… isn't very good…"

"Don't worry about that one bit." The sandy-haired macrophage turned to a macrophage who had not gone with them to the Peyer's Patch, whose hands were free. "Go get Helper T Cell. Tell him it's an emergency. Intracellular Virulence Factor."

_**Virulence Factor:**_

_Some bacteria can survive phagocytosis by using virulence factors, molecules that allow them to live and proliferate inside a phagocyte. Much like a virus, once inside the phagocyte the bacteria can multiply and then burst out. Virulence factors are used by various antigens and parasites, including viruses, and not all of them involve surviving phagocytosis; different factors serve different purposes. Salmonella enterica has a special resistance to the chemicals phagocytes use to destroy the antigens they engulf._

The macrophage nodded and ran out of the room. The bacteria began to trash the room as the Macrophages were helpless to stop them. They had to keep the other bacteria in their pots.

The bacteria smashed a window and left the kitchen, giggling all the way.

"_Nǐ èr dàyé de!" _shouted a bacterium as it made its escape.

The macrophages strained even harder as the resistance from inside their pots increased. Most were crying.

"Please…"

The brown-haired macrophage was still alive, but just barely. Tears streamed from her eyes. She was so cold.

"Please… don't cry…"

The macrophages couldn't follow her request, not a single dry eye left in the room.

"Don't be sad… I'm sure… we'll see each other… again… my sisters…."

With a dreamy smile on her face, the brown-haired macrophage spoke her last.

* * *

_**Author's Note: **__Translations for the Mandarin_

"_Nǐ èr dàyé de!" _\- "Damn your second uncle!" a Beijing insult. It was weirdly specific so I kept it.


	4. 抗抗生素 Antibiotic Resistance

"_Cào nǐmen zǔzōng shíbā dài!"_

The bacteria were all over the intestines. They scuttled back and forth with their flagella, evading the immune cells trying to capture them and the lactic acid bacteria trying to help the immune cells.

"I have no idea what that means, but it doesn't sound good!" said U-4989, as the insult-spewing bacterium dodged him yet again.

"It doesn't matter what they say, just kill them!" shouted U-1146, who was having similar trouble.

"_Qù nǐ nǎinaide!"_

"Oh yeah? Well… Your mom!"

"4989…"

"Sorry!"

The bacterium blew a raspberry. "_Bèndàn."_

"Hey! I don't like your tone!"

"4989!"

"Sorry!"

The neutrophils heard the whirring of propellers as the antibiotics flew above them.

"_Tóngzhìmen hǎo. Wǒmen xiànzài qù zhǎo jūn, zhǎodào jiù shā jūn,"_ they droned. The immediately sprayed the entire are with mist.

"This should help!" shouted U-4989.

The fuzzy pink bacteria were coated with the antibiotics. No doubt they would soon slow down, die, and…

And…

They were laughing.

"_Wúyòng!" _one exclaimed, disdain obvious in its voice.

If U-1146 could have gotton any paler, he would have. "It… it's not helping…"

_**Antibiotic Resistance**_

_Antibiotics work by targeting specific enzymes that bacteria produce. However, due to excessive or improper usage of antibiotics (like not finishing one's prescription as instructed, or treating non-bacterial infections with antibiotics) can result in antibiotic resistance. As the bacteria that produce the enzyme targeted are killed, strains that do not produce the enzyme in as large quantities (or at all) survive and reproduce, eventually creating a new strain that is just as infectious, but no longer responds to antibiotics. _

_This is why it is important to take antibiotics exactly as prescribed, so as to kill all the bacteria. It is also important to avoid using antibiotics excessively and incorrectly. _

The bacteria giggled as they surrounded the immune cells, unaffected by the antibiotic mist.

"Can this get any worse?" asked U-1146.

"Nyu! Nyuuuu!"

"Oh no…"

The antibiotic had no effect on the infections bacteria. But it was hurting the lactic acid bacteria!

_**Effects of Antibiotics**_

_Antibiotics do not discriminate between helpful and harmful bacteria. As a result, helpful bacteria will often be killed alongside the harmful bacteria. It is often recommended to eat probiotic food, such as yogurt, to replenish one's supply of helpful bacteria while taking antibiotics. Yogurt contains multitudes of lactic acid bacteria. _

"No!" souted U-1146.

The lactic acid bacteria in the area grew more lethargic.

"Nyu! Nyu! Nyuuuu…"

The Salmonella bacteria quickly lost interest in the neutrophils and scampered away to cause more damage.

"Nyuu…"

The neutrophils watched in horror as the lactic acid bacteria laid down and stopped moving.

"Lactic acid bacteria? Lactic acid bacteria!" cried 1146.

"Come on! Wake up you cute little squirts!" shouted 4989.

The lactic acid bacteria did not respond. They slowly began to dissolve as the antibiotic disrupted their enzymes, destroying their cell walls.

"No!" U-4989 sank to his knees. "No, no, no, no, no!"

"We need to warn the other lactic acid bacteria! Hurry up!"

U-4989 looked up. "What's the point? The antibiotic is in the blood stream now! They have no place to hide!"

"No, they do. If I remember correctly, they can stay in the appendix. That's a safe area for them."

U-4898 lowered his head. "Okay. Let's go. We still gotta stop these pink bastards."

…

AE-3803 was not happy.

She was tired. She was grumpy. Her feet hurt. The antibiotic mist smelled horrible.

And worst of all, the bacteria were still trashing everywhere. They were more spread out, but they kept trying to assault blood cells for oxygen.

She just wanted to sleep.

She didn't even know how so many bacteria were still out there. Wouldn't the antibiotic help?

She sat down on a bench and rubbed her eyes. Maybe she should just take a rest for a moment. Yeah…

That thought was interrupted as she heard footsteps approaching her. Opening a single eye, she glanced in the direction of the newcomers.

_White Blood Cell?_

He was running quite fast towards her, with U-4989 behind him.

"White Blood Cell?" she asked.

"Red Blood Cell!" he shouted. Strange. Usually when he returned from fighting bacteria, he was covered in bright red cytoplasm. However, at the moment he was completely spotless. The bacteria didn't even leave a scratch on him. What was going on?

U-1146 came to a stop in front of her. "Red Blood Cell, you need to spread the word. All the lactic acid bacteria need to get to the appendix."

"Wha- why?"

"The antibiotic, it's useless against the infection, but it hurts the lactic acid bacteria."

"Oh no!" cried Red Blood Cell, hands rising to her face. The lactic acid bacteria were essential to the body, helping it break down substances the body can't process itself. And they were sooo cute!

In the corner of her eye she saw a small group of lactic acid bacteria bouncing their way down the path, probably eager to reach the appendix.

"We're running to tell everyone we can. We're also trying to catch the bacteria. Please, help us!"

This wouldn't do. Energized with her new mission to protect the lactic acid bacteria, Red Blood Cell stood up immediately and saluted.

"I'll do my best!" she said, before sprinting off.

…

Red Blood Cell had several lactic acid bacteria piled on top of the oxygen box on her cart.

She was busy pushing the lactic acid bacteria to the appendix.

"Nyu, nyunyu nyuu!" cooed a bacterium.

"You're welcome, little guy!"

Suddenly, Red Blood Cell heard a whirring in the air. The antibiotics!

She began sprinting down the road as the robotic greeting rang out behind her.

"_Tóngzhìmen hǎo. Wǒmen xiànzài qù zhǎo jūn, zhǎodào jiù shā jūn."_

Red Blood Cell heard the machines hiss as they released the antibiotic mist. Not wanting to let the lactic acid bacteria get harmed by the mist (and also not wanting to smell it again), she ran full speed.

"Nyuuuu!"

She was running so fast, she almost forgot where they were headed. Suddenly, she saw a large, metal door labelled "Appendix."

She skidded to a stop and tried to open the door.

"No, no, no!" she grumbled, pulling with all her might. "Come on, open!"

The whir of propellers came closer.

She felt something soft around her ankles. Looking down, the lactic acid bacteria had dismounted the cart and were escaping into a small, square hole in the bottom of the door that Red Blood Cell hadn't noticed.

The last bacterium stopped and looked back at her. It waved a flipper to her.

"Nyu-nyu!" it said in a sing-song voice, which almost sounded like "Thank you!"

It disappeared into the hole

"You're welcome, little guy!" she said to the door. The whirring became louder.

"_Tóngzhìmen hǎo…"_

* * *

_**A/N: **__This chapter was fun to write because of the Mandarin insults. _:)

_Translations for the Mandarin:_

"_Cào nǐmen zǔzōng shíbā dài!"_ \- "F*** your ancestors the the eighteenth generation!"*

"_Qù nǐ nǎinaide!" _\- literally "Go to your grandma!" it has about the same meaning as "your mom" in English.

"_Bèndàn."_ \- "moron" (literally "stupid egg.")

"_Wúyòng!" _\- "Useless!"

_* I used Wikipedia to find the insults, and this one is just so specific yet so full of spite I just had to use it, lol. Yes, this is a real insult, and it is horribly rude. _


	5. 辅助T细胞来辅助 Helper T Cell Comes to Help

The macrophages could barely hold the bacteria in anymore. The bacteria were multiplying, and soon the pots wouldn't be able to contain them. Already another macrophage had been killed when the bacteria burst out, and time was running short.

_Helper T Cell, where are you?_ thought the sandy-haired macrophage.

Suddenly, the door burst open and Helper T Cell ran in.

"I'm here! I'm here!" shouted the bespectacled immune cell. He rushed in with a large pitcher of steaming liquid in each hand, his colleague Regulatory T Cell opening the door for him.

The sandy-haired macrophage smiled sweetly. "Oh, thank you so much, please hurry!"

A macrophage with her hair cut in a bob looked over at Helper T Cell. "What's that?"

Helper T smiled. "My special broth."

_**Helper T Cells**_

_Helper T Cells activate other immune cells, such as Killer T Cells and Macrophages, to attack and destroy antigens. They release special chemicals called cytokines, which attach to receptors on the cell membrane and cause the cell to behave in certain ways. Helper T Cells can also activate Macrophages and other phagocytes and help them destroy bacteria that would have otherwise survived phagocytosis._

"Open it just a little," Helper T said to the sandy-haired macrophage.

She obliged and loosened her grip on the pot lid. A opened up as the bacteria inside pushed upward.

"Take this you little bastards," said Helper T, pouring in his "special broth."

"_AAAaaaaaaaaahhhhhhh!"_ the screams of the bacteria faded quickly.

Helper T moved from macrophage to macrophage, pouring some broth into each pot. The macrophages felt the bacteria inside weaken and eventually stop fighting all together. Soon, they were all dealt with.

The sandy-haired macrophage pulled the lid off of her pot and looked inside. Steam immediately rose up, and she smelled the most mouth-watering scent inside. Inside the pot, the major part of the bacteria had dissolved into the broth around it, and the flagella were left as noodles. The macrophage inhaled the fragrant smell.

"Oh my, Commander Helper T, thank you so much for saving us all! Please, if you don't mind, what's in this broth? It smells _heavenly!_"

Helper T grinned and winked at the macrophage, before turning the macrophages' signature line against them.

"Now now, a boy has to have his secrets!"

…

"Commander! The body is reporting major bacterial infection in multiple areas!" shouted the Lieutenant Helper T Cell.

"Well, alert the cells in those areas! Deploy the immune cells! Make sure all phagocytes have had the cytokine broth! Send out the alert! We'll kill every damn germ in this body!"

"Sir! We're getting reports of intestinal problems!"

"Is that related to the bacteria?"

"Actually, the opposite! Apparently the level of lactic acid bacteria are dropping quickly! Nutrients aren't getting processed as efficiently!"

"Dammit! What would be killing the lactic acid bacteria?" Commander Helper T sat down in his green chair and stroked his chin.

As if on cue, a robotic voice from outside droned, "_Tóngzhìmen hǎo. Wǒmen xiànzài qù zhǎo jūn, zhǎodào jiù shā jūn."_

Commander Helper T ran to the window and threw open the shutters. Sure enough, an antibiotic drone flew by, spraying everything with a fine layer of mist.

"Shit. Dammit! It looks like we'll just have to ride this out. They're not helping with the infectious bacteria?"

He glanced over to Regulatory T Cell, but she shook her head. "According to these reports, the salmonella are resistant to antibiotics."

"Shit. Well, there's not much we can do about that besides wait it out, and hope enough lactic acid bacteria escape. Ready the cytokines!"

…

Lactic acid bacteria were scurrying to the appendix as fast as they could. Word had spread fast that they had to avoid the antibiotic drones. Fortunately, the bacteria were small, and easily hitched rides on the carts of passing red blood cells. Few cells objected, because the bacteria were so cute.

The platelets guided blood cells and bacteria alike away from damaged areas in blood vessels, caution tape and detour signs plastered all over.

Many of the blood cells even tried to shield the lactic acid bacteria from the passing antibiotic drones flying overhead. Fortunately, they seemed to be thinning out.

"_Tóngzhìmen hǎo. Wǒmen xiànzài qù zhǎo jūn, zhǎodào jiù shā jūn."_

AE-3803 looked up. Another drone was passing by.

"Quick! In!" she urged the lactic acid bacteria, who scuttled into the entrance of the appendix and pulled the door shut.

The drone passed by, coating the blood cells in a layer of mist. Red Blood Cell wrinkled her nose. She still hadn't gotten used to the smell.

She began walking forward as Helper T Cell's voice sounded out from various screens.

"Hello, this is Commander Helper T Cell. There is currently a bacterial infection underway. Please, use caution while working. All phagocytes, please report to the nearest Helper T Cell for the necessary cytokines. This bacteria is extremely dangerous to phagocytose without these cytokines. I repeat, please report to the nearest Helper T Cell for cytokines before phagocytosing any bacteria. If you have already phagocytosed a bacteria, report to the nearest Helper T Cell at once."

The message repeated. AE-3803 carried on her delivery, hopeful that the infection would end soon.

She barely had the thought when she heard a familiar voice shout, "DIE, GERM!"

She looked to her left to see U-1146 and his friends taking down several bacteria.

"YEAH! TSAO NI MA!" shouted U-4989 as he sliced a bacterium in half.

The germs all screamed for a second, before falling silent, cytoplasm splattering everywhere.

"White Blood Cell! Everyone! Hi! Did you see…"

"… Helper T's broadcast? Yeah, we already got our cytokines," White Blood Cell said.

"Hey, what did you just scream when you killed that bacterium?" U-2626 asked to U-4989.

"Hm? Oh, I'm not really sure. I picked up from them. They kept saying it, and it sounded bad, so…" he shrugged.

Red Blood Cell smiled. It looked like the infection was coming to an end.

* * *

_**A/N:**_ _Mandarin Translations:_

_U-4989 shouts "Tsao ni ma" at a bacterium. This is his imitation of the Chinese insult "cào nǐ mā," which he picked up from the bacteria. He did not use the tones, as he does not know the language. When Mandarin is written in the Roman Alphabet, the "ts" sound is represented by the letter "c." This phrase, naturally, means "f*** your mom." If U-4989 knew what it meant, he would not be so eager to say it._


	6. 新朋友们 New Friends

The blood cells crowded around the crashed antibiotic drone.

"What do you think it means?" asked AC.

"I don't know," replied an erythrocyte with blonde hair.

"I have an idea about the middle one," said a male erythrocyte.

They tried as a group to understand the meaning of the strange symbols on the drone. They determined that the red rectangle with five stars was a flag of some sort, but the other symbols escaped them. They tried to understand why the numbers _eight _and _one_ would be inside a red star, but a suitable explanation escaped them.

Even more confusing was the weird crescent that was crossed with what looked like a hammer. The crescent only tapered at one end, the top, while the bottom was untapered. A small, circular nubbin jut out from a spot near the bottom of the crescent, by the untapered end. The strange tapering made it look like a curved knife, in a way.

"Why would anyone need a curved knife?" said NT-4201 to her senpai. "It doesn't make sense!"

"I don't know, but since he said it, I can't unsee it," AE-3803 replied to her kohai.

"Well, that's what it looks like!" said the male erythrocyte.

"It would be the most inefficient knife ever! What would you even cut with that?" NT replied, irritated.

"It kind of looks like your curl," said the blonde erythrocyte, pointing at AE-3803.

"Great, now I can't unsee that."

NT and the male erythrocyte continued to argue, as U-1146 approached the group.

"What's going on over here?" he asked.

"We're just trying to figure out what these mean," said AE-3803, pointing at the markings on the drone.

"Hm."

The drones had all fallen as they ran their course. They simply dropped from the sky, wherever they happened to be. Small teams of red blood cells would gather together and transport the empty shells to the kidneys for disposal when they didn't have any deliveries to make. Sometimes, however, the groups got into arguments about what the symbols mean.

It had been a few days since the infection. The salmonella were all killed, and the antibiotics ran out of juice. Unfortunately, many lactic acid bacteria were killed before the antibiotics finished their course. Now, even though they emerged from the appendix, there still weren't enough to process certain nutrients efficiently.

"You guys may want to get moving. The intestines are a dangerous place, especially with so few lactic acid bacteria around," White Blood Cell said.

Suddenly, a cheer went up in the distance.

"What is that?" asked Red Blood Cell.

"I think that was the intestinal epithelial cells…" her Kohai said.

U-1146 could see an old friend running towards them, with something in his arms.

"GUUUUUYYYYS!" U-4989 squealed as he came ran up to the group, "LOOOOK! LOOK AT THIS!"

In his arms he held several lactic acid bacteria.

"THEY JUST CAME IN! A WHOLE BUNCH JUST CAME IN AT ONCE IN SOME KIND OF YOGURT SNACK!"

The bacteria in his arms squirmed. "Ruuu! Rururu!"

"Oh. My. Gosh! They are so cute!" squealed AE-3803.

"I know!" squealed U-4989

"Ruuuu!" squealed the lactic acid bacteria.

U-1146 and AC-4293 stood back and watched the pair melt over the new lactic acid bacteria.

"They are very cute," said AC, enjoying the sight but more restrained.

"Yeah…" sighed U-1146. "Wait, do you mean the bacteria, or the two of them?"

AC blushed slightly and began playing with a white braided bracelet on her wrist. "Uhh… the bacteria."

1146 nodded, also blushing. "Ah… I see. Yes. That clears it up."

His speech sounded quite stilted.

A small group of lactic acid bacteria approached U-4989.

"Nyu? Nyu nyu?" they chirped.

"Oh, hey little guys! Look, new friends!" U-4989 lowered the bacteria in his arms.

"Ru!" said the new friends.

"Hm, they sound a bit… different…" AE-3803 observed. "What are they saying? 'Lu?' 'Shu?'"

"It sounds a bit like 'shroo' to me," said 4989.

The bacteria didn't seem perturbed by the language barrier at all.

"Rururu!" chirped one.

"Nyu, nyuuu! Nyu!" chirped another.

The bacteria nuzzled each other.

"Awwww," said AE-3803, AC-4293, and U-4989 in unison. They gathered around the bacteria and started to play with them.

U-1146 smiled to himself. The infection was over, the lactic acid bacteria were returning, the body was healthy, and his friends were happy.

What more could he ask for?

* * *

_**A/N: **__I hope you enjoyed my story! Since I'm learning Mandarin, I thought it would be fun to write a fic with some Mandarin dialogue. I also used a disease that is prevalent in many countries, salmonella. Always make sure your meat is properly cooked!_

_Regarding the symbols on the drones, since they are from China, I decided to go all-out with the "this is from China" vibe. I included the Chinese flag, the hammer and sickle logo of the Chinese Communist Party, and the symbol for China's military. And when the erythrocyte points out that the sickle looks like RBC's curl, that's just a tongue-in-cheek reference. I am 100% __against_ _the idea that our AE-3803 is a sickle cell. It's just a little in-joke._

_As for the new lactic acid bacteria, you may be wondering why they say "Ru" instead of "Nyu." In the manga, it was explained that the lactic acid bacteria said "Nyu" because their name in Japanese is _"Nyuusankin." _The Mandarin word for lactic acid bacteria is _"Rǔsuānjūn." _Since the original bacteria say "Nyu" and are from Japan, I decided to make the new bacteria from China say "Ru." Another fun fact, the word "lactic acid bacteria" is written the same in both Chinese and Japanese: _乳酸菌。

_Also, the cells had trouble hearing what the new bacteria said because the Mandarin sound represented by "R" is actually a mix between an R sound and the S sound in words like "measure" and "Asian." It has no English or Japanese equivalent. _

_Thank you for reading and please review! _


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